Day 93

3rd night in a row of drinking, partying, dancing, debauchery. fuck though. why do i always think getting drunk is a good idea? and why, when Im drunk, do i start thinking that kissing girls is also a good idea (it didn’t happen, but fuck it could have). And why do I start dirty dancing with random people, notably terry’s friend. And why do I give out my number to someone I know I dont want to date. fuck me, dude. fuck. me.

he’s nice and all. great dancer. he tried to kiss me at the end of the night. what do you say to that? I can’t tell him i have a boyfriend, b/c I don’t. So fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. praying he was drunk too and won’t really call. fuck.

hey guess what else? further proof that Im going to hell. poor scb is/was lying at home tonight with a sprained ankle, and here I am partying, thinking about kissing girls, giving guys my phone number. And he was all sweet today, calling me 2x. Talking to me for over an hour (longest conversation ever), listening to me babble about 30somethings and their lame convos. And there I was telling M that i wanted to kiss a hot guy. Seriously. I do not deserve scb. but then again, Im kinda boozy. and we arent really *together* and I dont owe him anything, so its all good, right?

if thats the case, then why does it feel wrong?

Yum Yum was drunk as fuck. Need to make note that he kissed me on my neck AND nibbled on my inner thigh. The latter happened during our cab ride home. Only reason I allowed it was b/c he was drunk off his ass, and it was his bday and all.

i should also mention, since Im going to hell, that I have like 3 other dates next week. Nobody new, mainly old ties that keep emailing me, and I dont know how to say no. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

tell me, am I going to hell?