I dunno…
I have a date w/Beaker tonight and…I just feel like things are winding down between us. Maybe this date will go well and maybe we will get back to where we were, but I can’t stop thinking about what he said about there being something wrong if we have gone this long w/out physical contact.
I’m starting to think that maybe he’s right.
Talked to my coworker, the Bulldog, about it and he said that Beaker put all his cards on the table and showed me his hand. I told him that what I found attractive about him was that he was confident despite all the weirdness. Now Im not so sure. I guess I do know him better now, but I can’t help thinking that we lost momentum by having that kind of serious conversation so early.
Plus him wanting to leave…then stay…then leave…thats the one button he should have never pushed.
Whereas I would have taken full blame had this not worked out due to my indecisiveness about being in a relationship, I really think he fucked this one up. The bulldog said that its still salvageable, but for me to want to salvage it, he has to be perfect. More than I *thought* he was before.
I know I have extremely high expectations, but let me tell you what is not perfect: asking me to pick him up on the way to our date. It does make logistical sense as he lives right there and I live all the way over here, buuuuttt…what an idiot. If he was so freaked out by awkwardness, imagine how awkward it will be when we say goodnight. There is 0 chance I will go inside his house if invited and 0 chance that I will either walk him to the door or kiss him in the car. And our date is already really low-key as is (I came up w/the date plans, btw). If I were him, I would go balls out — all or nothing. For whatever reason, he’s sitting back and letting me make the shots. I dont like that.
But maybe this is all the smaller part of the bigger issue. Maybe we were never right for each other, maybe we were always meant as just friends, and now he’s given me the window of opportunity to walk away from it all without feeling the least bit guilty.
