Idol Talk, Week of 3/4

Name: Luke Perry/Dawson’s Creek

Prognosis: I really do not understand how people can suck 3 weeks in a row. This guy has been barely skating by, yet each week he proves to be just as meager as the week before. Darwinism means this guy is gone next week. I also absoulutely hate when people give “I was having fun” as a reason for song choice. Or worse, if they follow this reason by turning to the audience and ‘asking’ the audience if they had fun. It is rare that anyone is going to have fun in a performance given by someone on American Idol, so get over it. “Fun” is seeing you fall off a stage. Fun is not listening to you sing Wham in a shitty falsetto voice.

Name: Altar Boy (i’m still working on this nickname…stay tuned)

Prognosis: Does anyone find this guy cheesy like I do? I know I should go easy on the guy on account that his vocal chord collapsed or something, but I’m sorry, the breathy thing drives me insane. When he makes a record, are they going to have to do the equivalent of photoshopping out that breathing machine noise he makes whenever he sings? He may not be able to help that, but he definitely can help the lizard tongue he has going on. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just watch his tongue when he sings. The piano in the beginning was totally worthless–it added 0 value to the song. In fact, I feel like it made him way too serious. He’s a decent singer, has a good voice, is likeable blah blah, but he is like an old man trapped in a breathy 17 year old’s body. I can’t imagine him making a cd beyond a single featured on some Disney movie soundtrack.

Name: Danny (name still coming)

Prognosis: First I hated him intensely. But I am slowly gaining respect for someone who has an attitude equivalent or surpassing mine. I imagine his back talking will become old soon, but for now, I wouldn’t mind keeping him around. His singing, his hair, his stomping, his weird attempts at being ‘sexy’, his fuck me eyes–they need work. Also, I know this is stating the fucking obvious, but he is really just so, well, gay. It’s quite awesome, but I wonder how he will connect with middle America. I remember him having a decent voice in the prelims, but I wonder if he will just end up being a cariacture of himself and be the next Sanjaya.

Name: Ozzie

Prognosis: Forgettable, but hot, so who cares for now. I’m still trying to suss him out–is he a douchebag or is he “the real deal.”

Name: Stripper

Prognosis: Needs a large dose of personality. Stat. His voice is decent, but his personality is forgettable. This week, he tried to strike a lively bantar with Randy. I don’t know what’s worse–trying too hard, or not trying at all. Last week we were wowed and amazed by his bit on gymnastics, and this week…a booger in his nose? Way to go David. Why didn’t he tell us last week on the “things you would never know about me” segment that he was a stripper?

Name: Slug/Goo Goo Doll

Prognosis: I absolutely hate how blob like this guy looks. Something about him just screams loser. Unfortunately, I thought he did well tonight.

Name: Jar Jar Binks

Prognosis: I think the type of songs Jar Jar can sing are pretty limited to stoner anthems that can be sung around a fire with an out-of-tune guitar. That being said, his past couple performances have been strangely ok. This is the one I did not get. Hallelujah is one of my favorite songs, so I am biased, but I did not get his version at all. It wasn’t bad, but it lacked any sort of passion. And compared to the other dudes, I think his vocal range is equivalent to the scrunchy troll-faced mary kate and ashley carly simon singer on the girls side. Despite the fact that I hate his hair (and thus, want to hate his voice), I wouldn’t mind seeing someone different in the final 12 for once. Pop singers: done. Gay singers: done. R&B singers: done. Fake rockers: done and done. Stoner?

Name: Jacuzzi

Prognosis: I usually get up and grab a drink when he’s on. He has a decent voice, but I’m over his style of singing. That being said, I didn’t watch his performance. Somehow I think it wouldn’t matter even if I did.

Marked for death:
Luke & Jacuzzi
Alt vote: Danny.