I went to sleep last night feeling empty, and woke up again this morning feeling the same. It has nothing to do w/Beaker. Not entirely. It’s more the series of events that has been swirling around me up until now. It’s the combination of me meeting so many people, yet connecting with none of them, or meeting people you connect with on some level, but not entirely, or loving someone you know you cannot have bc you know you cannot love them and be loved in the way that each and both deserves. It has been a series of missed connections that has left me feeling as if my life has been composed of a chain of broken links: one chain links to the other, but as a whole, there is no strength; no substance.
In the past, I would have equated emptiness with lonliness, but I am not lonely. I feel as if I was let on in on the ending of the story before I read everything that came before. Like eating a wish sandwich–two pieces of bread stacked together, with nothing inbetween. It feeds but does not fill.
Logically, I know that a relationship of any sort with any person should be enjoyed for what it is. There are no such thing as promises when it comes to people, and that is not something I ever sought. I didn’t want the happy ending, per se, but I wanted something more tangible than this. It is hard for me to accept that all of this was for nothing. And maybe it can be reasoned otherwise – like a memory here a smile there, in the end makes everything worthwhile, but it seems like such a small payoff.
Yesterday was one of those days that just made me feel like maybe everything is for nothing.
When a team you are rooting for since you were a kid, loses in the final seconds of a big game, the response is unexplainable. You sit there, in shock, immobile, unable to think or comprehend what just happeed, but aware that a blanket of numbness and emptiness covers you. Maybe you want to cry, but you can’t, because it’s not anger or sadness that you feel. And it certainly is not happiness or joy.
It is, quite simply, that feeling that you lost.
