when we last left off, I had just spent the evening in an Irish bar in NYC surrounded by special agents, one in particular stood out. But then what can you do when you realize you more than likely will have one night, and one night only with that person. Such is life…”
Day 3 – Friday
Having stayed up until I don’t know how late, and stuffing our faces with leftover Peruvian food (I’m kind of over plantains at this point) while watching Hurricane Rita stuff, we didn’t wake up too easily. I think our days usually followed this structure: God to bed around 4 or 5 am, Wake up at noon. Goof around until 2. Really start the day at 3pm.
True to form, we arrived at the Guggenheim around 3pm. We figured we should cram at least one museum/tourist spot into the trip, and being that I am an ex-architecture student, the Guggenheim was a safe bet. Ive always seen the outside, never the inside. We ate hot dogs from a stand in front of the museum, and listened to this street performer sing old 1950s era songs. His voice was so clear yet textured–like Nat King Cole–we were both actually surprised by his talent.
The exhibit itself was pretty interesting. We breezed through the Russia exhibit, and then rushed downtown to the theatre district to see if we could score some rush/lottery tickets. Both times, we failed. We did, however, manage to scarf down some cheese pizza from Rays. So tasty. I also managed to meet up with my ex–scb himself.
If you had told me the night would unfold in the way it did, I would have never, in a million years, believed it. For one, the scb I have come to know in the last yr and a half since we broke up is a different person than the one I had come to love in the yr prior. Since he moved to nyc, he had been distant at best. Cruel and heartless at worst. I can understand his reasons for why he tried so hard to push me away, but at the same time, it does not make the fact that he hurt me the way he did any less significant. After a while, I just stopped depending on him as a friend, or for any emotional support. After a while, I got tired of being treated as if I didn’t matter.
Why I decided to meet up with him–I don’t know. I think I did it more for me than anything or anyone else. I guess the sadistic side of me wanted to test myself–see if I really was *over* him. If it really didn’t matter. If HE didnt matter. A part of that was why I came to nyc–my last memories of nyc were of him–and were so painfully miserable, that even to this day, I have a hard time trying to recollect the moments that passed. I wanted new memories of nyc. And I think I wanted to see scb and finally resolve things on my own terms.
At any rate, he actually was very receptive to meeting me. That was the first surprise. The second is that he actually showed up at the designated location to have drinks w/out one single excuse or w/out an explanation of where else he had to be. The bar itself was insignificant. Swanky loungey but also too over the top trendy. Whatever. it was good enough. Scb and I met outside near the theatre and without even thinking, I hugged him. There was no hesitation on either part, it just happened, and it was natural and I must admit, I’m surprised.
I was also surprised at how easy it all was. How warmly he talked to me. We chatted away like best friends (I felt sorry for my sis…luckily Moonshine met up w/us so that she had someone to chat with) from bar to restaurant to bar again. There was so much to catch up on, and so much I wanted to tell him and he wanted to tell me. Throughout the conversation, he interspersed little memories; little things he remembered about me, and about us. It was bittersweet to hear those words–to know that he still remembered these things about me, and to know that he still thought about me from time to time.
After the trendy lounge, we went back to scb’s neighborhood to this trendy cuban restaurant – Cafe Habana. A long line had already formed outside, yet somehow (and perhaps bc we’re VIP), we only had a 10 minute wait (usual wait time is about an hr). During that time frame, I went back to scb’s place to scope out his new apartment. Very nice. Small, but very cute. And so different in look, feel, vibe, than his old place. In some strange way, seeing scb in a new place helped me get over the memory of his last place. God I was so sad and so alone there.
Scb changed and we met back up with Twi and Moonshine (btw, I have to say that scb has gained some weight…not that he’s fat, he could never be fat, but he used to have such a tight, lean body…anyway…just saying…). They had already been seated at the table. We ordered drinks and our meals (corn was exquisite) and scb was all into the food. Funny how he’s turned into such a little foodie. I had my purse resting between me and scb (we shared one side of the booth), and scb said, “do we really need to put this here?” So he removed the purse and put it on his side, meaning that we were able to sit closer together.
I held my breath and asked him if he was dating anyone. I knew the answer before I even finished my question. He said that he wasnt dating seriously, but that he had gone on a few dates. I asked him what makes him stop dating someone after 3 dates and he said, “I just can’t see myself marrying them.” I seriously almost choked on my corn. In contrast, when he asked me if I was dating, I smiled my smirkly little grin and said, “I might be dating a few people, yes, but nothing serious. I can’t imagine being in a serious relationship right now, I’m having too much fun being single.” You know, when someone you love breaks up with you, all you can think about is the moment you can have your revenge–the moment you tell that person, “Ha, look at me, Im so over you and the person Im dating is a million times better than you ever were.” But when that moment arrives, as it did for me, I still tried to shelter him from the truth. What’s the point anyway? What do I gain by rubbing my dating life into his face?
Scb almost bailed on us after dinner. I should mention that the fact he even came to dinner w/us meant he had to cancel his previous plans (Him? Cancel plans? for me? unheard of). We made our way through the streets of soho, through some columbus festival thing in little italy (I think)? and to Mercer bar. Pretty chill, and once again, for some reason, we were able to sit at the VIP tables. I don’t claim to understand this phenomena, but it just happened.
Throughout the night, me and scb inched closer and closer, leaning in towards one another, and touching each other subconsciously for emphasis. I laughed a lot with him, and it was good to feel that again. He leaned towards me and put his arm around my back. Finally we moved to the couch, where I started playing with his arm. This led to him playing w/my leg. Then we were snuggled next to each other and holding hands. And then I was resting my head on his shoulder and he was laughing and whispering funny little things in my ear, and what can I say? I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy being there with him. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still feel something for him. But did I come to nyc anticipating this would happen? Not in a million years.
We ended the night with me going back to his place. We watched tv. We hung out. We might have kissed. We ended up falling asleep. I woke up and woke him up, telling him I had to get back. Scb was silent for a moment, as if considering the weight of my words. I asked him if he wanted me to stay and he hesitated. “I do, but its probably better if you leave. I have to get up early tomorrow.” He walked me down to the front door, and all I could think of was that this was really good bye. My eyes started to well up, but I didn’t let him see. I wanted to take everything in–all of this–this place, this moment, the scb I loved–bc in my heart, I knew that it would probably be the last time. Goodbyes are never fucking easy.
After the fact, my sis, Twi, told me that I acted so different around scb–that I no longer am this sassy sarcastic person, but instead am very girly and nurturing. I’ve always been that way with scb. When I’m with him, I want to take care of him. I can’t explain why I feel that way, except that I do. Twi also told me that Moonshine said to her, “I don’t know what’s going on between those two, but its so obvious they are in love.”
I guess its obvious that when you play with fire, you will get burned. But I dont think of it that way. I think of it as if I was given the rare chance in life to have a “do over.” I got to do it all over again–nyc, him, everything–the way I wanted to. I got to say goodbye to him on good terms. I got to let him know that I loved him, and feel, not just see, that he loved me too. There was so much I had forgotten or tried to forget about scb–so many memories of him that came flooding back the moment I saw him again. So many of the memories I had of him were terrible ones that I wanted to forget. Seeing him again-the REAL him-made me remember the good times-and I felt so happy to have that back. I know its nowhere near the same, but my weak analogy is this: Imagine if you never got to tell someone you loved them before they died. Well, I felt like the scb I knew had died a long time ago. That I had already grieved for the loss of that person, and that I got a chance to tell him and for him to tell me, that we loved each other. For some reason, having that, gives me peace.
I’m not going to lie. To have these feelings resurface is incredibly difficult to deal with and comprehend. Even now, as I write this, it kind of makes me tear up a little. Its hard not to wonder about the what ifs. Its hard not wo wonder why. How can two people who clearly love each other be okay with not being together. I dont know the answer to that. I just know that love is never simple. And I guess it makes me sad to know that I love him, but I can’t be with him right now, and probably never. He just cannot give me what I need. I think we both know that.
We actually talked about the last time I was in nyc. He told me that it was terrible for him too. That everything was so confusing and spinning out of control. I needed him to hear how awful it was for me. I also needed to hear that I was not alone in feeling the way I did.
In the end, it was good to know that after all that has happened between us–after all the pain and all the bullshit–after the roller coaster we have been on–its nice to know that we still found each other again, and that after all the time had passed, that we still had that connection. Its as hopeful as it is sad to realize this. As much as I want the happy ending, as much as I would like to say that love prevailed over everything else, the truth is that love is complicated, and never easy. Whatever happens between us, I’m glad I had that night. I’m glad we got a second chance to make things right.
And so, he hailed me a cab, kissed me goodbye, and closed the cab door. I rode home to the Waldorf in the wee hours of the morning, watching the lights of the skyscrapers blur into one another, deep in thought, not sure if I should laugh or cry. The thought of scb alone in nyc broke my heart. I know that I don’t owe him anything, but I knew that I had moved on, and I just wanted to know that he would be okay. That if it weren’t me, that someone else would be there to take care of him.
New York City is that kind of town. It can either be an incredibly lonely place. Or an amazingly wonderful place. For me, it was the latter.
Fuckin’ NYC.
