scb called me after work today to tell me that he thinks he made the wrong decision and that he wants out. he wants out of the job. out of the apartment he can’t afford. and out of new york city.
he went on to say that he was blindsided by so many things and that he thinks he fucked it all up. said he became antsy and took the first thing (like i said) and now he regrets it.
first day dude.
i think hes doing the typical scb-overreact thing. its probably not THAT bad, and he’ll probably salvage something out of it. It just pisses me off that hes not at his dream job in a city all the way at the opposite end of the US. damn him. DAMN HIM. His revised plan is that he stays at this company for a year and then jumps ship and goes to law school. My take on law school (and watch me be right)–its his safe harbor right now. something he can rely on, run away to, b/c this job is less than ideal.
I cant tell you how tempted I was to manipulate the conversation so that he would feel ultra ultra bad about his decision–more than he already was, if that was even possible. but fuck me, I didnt. instead i tried to help him find a way to embrace his decision and told him that it was only his first day and things will be better and blah blah blah. sigh. i wish i didnt care about him.
felt bad enough that inside i was secretly gloating, “serves you right.” but then fuck that means he’s all kinds of screwed and Im screwed and dammit its like we’ll never find our way out of this mess. so he only stays at his job for a yr–thats still a year. then law school in chicago. and then im still here. and fuck fuck fuck. i have no idea how we can be together. cant see any sort of light at the end of this very long tunnel.
at the end of the convo, scb sidetracked into talking about how he shoudl never have listened to his friends and how his dad never gives him any sort of guidance and how people dont really listen to him — that its gotten to the point where he just tells like 3 people whats going on in his life, and hope that it filters down to the remaining millions of friends (sounds so familiar). Then he thanked me for listening to him blah blah being there blah blah and asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow.
during the course of our convo, I called him ‘baby’ no less than 3 times.
our “friendship” is already confusing. b/c we cant be friends. b/c i cant be friends. I cant be w/him or talk to him w/out wanting to hold his hand–all the gay stuff that we did before. its hard to just switch gears and pretend that I dont feel that way.
im so fucking confused about so many things.
